I will take joy

"Yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation."

(Habakkuk 3:18, ESV)

Looking back over the past few months, I realize that counting my gifts, looking for the little blessings in my life is truly changing my heart. I read about it. I have heard others talk about it. But it is so much more when I know it and experience it for myself. My heart is changing. That is an amazing feeling. That is not to say that my heart isn't still full of things that God needs to drastically change or recreate, but I it is to say that my heart feels different.

I feel joy. I feel it in real way. A way that almost feels tangible. I didn't realize it until recently. When I was watching Julia play on the beach a few days ago, my heart almost hurt with joy. Watching her brought such intense feelings. Just watching her. Just seeing her take delight in life - where she was at that moment, what she was doing in that single moment in time, her whole being wrapped up in the excitement of the simple: playing in "water-sand."

I know part of that was the joy you feel in watching your child explore life. But part of that was because the ordinary things in my life have begun to take on significance, they become powerful moments that God allows to not simply pass by as life unaware, but glimpses of Him in everything. Everything. Things not to slip away as normal, but God in life.

Counting - recogniszing, naming, seeing - my everyday blessings, and then thanking God for them is bringing my heart closer to where He is. Giving me joy in the ordinary. True joy in the truly ordinary.

Loving my babies.
Listening to my boys.
Watching my own baby girl.

My life is still stressful. Even though I have the hope of getting a little refreshment in going home soon, living in a developing country, running a full three-part ministry on my own, the pressure of knowing that the decisions I make multiple times a day truly affect the daily lives and future of more than 20 people, those things are still here. Frustrations of corroption, mixed communication, problems to solve, those things are still here. Yet, I find myself much more at peace and less stressed than I was a few months ago. I find myself enjoying life - even the crazy parts of life - much more easily.

It is a process - one that I am still walking through, and hopefully will forever be walking further towards. The process of acting. A consious process. An action.

"...but to give thanks is an action and rejoice is a verb and these are not mere pulsing emotions. While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give things in all things, because He knows that the feeling of b\joy begins in the action of thanksgiving." (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p.176)

My action of counting blessings is bringing me a deeper sense of gut feeling joy. A joy that takes simple, everyday moments and turns them into stress-breaks, "Calgon-take-me-away" moments, focus-changers, life-changers.

So, I will keep counting. And I will give thanks. And I will take joy. I will take joy in life, all of life. Not out of emotion - because that emotion is not always there, but out of action - because I always have control over the actions I take.

Coutning - naming.
Giving thanks.

Joy.

Heartfelt joy.

317. Praying over my baby girl's birth mom as she lay sick on the grass.
318. Watching my precious two year old give her mama a gift - her new plastic ring - freely.
319. The joy in her mama's eyes, receiving a child gift, from her child whom she does not recognize.
320. Watching Julia play with her "first family" cousins.
321. Knowing that Julia's life has a new hope because of God's redeeming grace.
322. The support of Julia's "first family" as I raise her in a split culture.
323. Julia sharing her book with her cousins.
324. Julia willingly leaving her Hungry Caterpillar book for her cousins to read.
325. "I want to play with my family." (chosing to play outside rather than sit with Mommy in the dirt-floor, tin-roofed house of her family)
326. Returning home to boys who run to greet us.
327. Collins feeding Julia dinner.
328. Patrick and Humphrey playing futbal.
329. Freddy starting the fire in the jiko.
330. Maina asking what he can do to help me.
331. Maina's gift brought back from the fair - a plastic bag.
332. Going to sleep in my bed, knowing that this feels like home.